Recently I saw a very dear friend of mine being hurt by heartbreak. He asked me for advice, and we talked for many hours.
It made me realize that for men, there isn’t a good guide that helps them learn how to deal with sudden pains, emotions and a change of life.
This is why I decided to make an ultimate guide to thriving after a break-up so that you do not have to suffer alone, you have the tools to get through the process and be a new, better and wiser version of yourself.
Your heart can really hurt
It hurts so much when your relationship ends. But did you know that in rare cases, the feeling of a broken heart can be a medical condition too?
Takotsubo cardiomyopathy, also known as ‘broken heart syndrome’, is a generally short-term heart condition triggered by intense emotional or physical stress. It causes temporary changes to the way the heart pumps blood and sometimes causes the heart to pump harder, which is often experienced as chest pain.
The symptoms of broken heart syndrome mimic a heart attack, which can make it difficult for patients and doctors to tell the difference between the two.
i am not feeling good, what now?
Women are naturally emotional, and they process breakups in a way that allows them to go on.
Unfortunately, men may not often have the abilities to process their feelings or have been taught how to do so. As a result, they can get stuck and ultimately harmed after a relationship ends.
When your world is upside down, we know now that processing feelings is a must and that this is a process that needs to be experienced fully. There is no looking back, the only way to thrive is through it all.
It is a war in your own mind between the heart and the mind. You will think: ‘What could I’ve done better?’, ‘What are my mistakes that I did?’ and many more questions jammed stuck in your head on repeat.
First, you need to stop overthinking and realize, this isn’t about you!
Despite your best efforts, you will not be everybody’s favorite flavor. You will ultimately sort through what you did wrong and want to do better the next time, and yes, you will make mistakes because you are human. The knowledge you gain will be useful for the person you are destined to be with. But right now, all you need to know is that if staying true to yourself means they can’t stay, it’s all about how they relate to you, not who you are.
We project our reality onto those around us and those whom we care about. The closer we get to someone, the more we project, and if we’re feeling bad on the inside, the projection will be negative as well. Relationships that last involve people who can accept their ability to project, realize its fragility, and be purposeful about keeping present with the reasons we want to be in the relationship. It requires effort. It isn’t easy, but it’s ultimately worthwhile.
When you experience a phase where everything feels dark and overwhelming, it is extremely important to realize that this phase is just a phase, it will pass with time. It will end.
The war in the mind and the heart doesn’t stop here, you will probably start blaming yourself from the mistakes you have done. This is completely normal, and I think every human on this earth will find itself guilty of doing this at least once.
It’s easy to blame and criticize yourself when someone leaves. It is difficult to accept that you had no control over the situation.
No amount of reconciling, compromising yourself and your wants, apologizing, altering, begging, or pleading would have altered the outcome. Because it never included you. They were leaving, for whatever reason, and it was necessary.
If you have to give up who you are to delay that outcome, you’re in the wrong relationship. Healthy relationships are based on work and intention. Your desire to continue putting in effort and intention will not jeopardize the connection. It will not last forever. Now or later. It’s sad. And it’s terrible. You do not deserve it. But you don’t have a choice this time.
A love lost is the same as grieving
When a person dies, you often see that loved ones go into a grieve process. They cannot share the love they shared for the dead person anymore, and this makes them go through the stages of grief.
I am a believer that a relationship that ends feels like you cannot share the love any more too, but this time it is for a person who is still alive and well but will become a stranger to you with time passing.
With every dark emotion in life, you can think that for example grief is a part of you, that anxiety or sadness is you. I am here to remind you that, this isn’t part of what makes you. This is an emotion that, right now, accompanies you. Feel it fully, embrace and recognize the emotion for what it is and give it a place so you can let go and move on.
solitude and reflection are powerful tools
With a dagger in the heart, screaming inner voices in the mind, it is best to find a calm place where you can be alone.
Put all of your smart devices in airplane mode and take a pen and a piece of paper or grab that laptop and open up Word.
With the deafening silence of solitude, you will turn inwards and write answers to my break-up journal prompts (see here down below).
It won’t make you any less masculine to confront memories and feelings, instead, I think it will empower you to embrace the here and now with a clearer mind and better knowledge about yourself.
this list makes you powerful and thriving after a breakup
1
Be with your loved ones and friends. A man shouldn’t think he needs to suffer and go through this alone. Seek out emotional support from the ones you can truly trust.
2
Go for acceptance, but avoid helplessness. Go for active acceptance: staying calm and confident, moving beyond the negative, focusing on the future. Avoid slipping into resigning acceptance: becoming passive, hopeless, and negative about the future. If you need more help with this, please feel free to book coaching sessions with me.
3
Reconnect with your true self. Reflect on parts of your true self.
Hobbies, passions and sports that you neglected with your ex. Try to think of this break up as a chance to reconnect with your true self.
4
Change your perspective – Positive reframing. Maybe you didn’t choose this break up. The way you think about it, however is a very powerful tool. Look for the positive aspects about this breakup, if you do this long enough, you will re-frame your thoughts.
5
Add positive experiences and emotions. The absence of a negative doesn’t equal a positive. Healing requires not only coping with your negative emotions, but also creating as many positive experiences and feelings as you can.
6
Let it all out. As mentioned before, it is good to pick up a sports like weightlifting in the gym or to reflect in solitude and writing it all down in a journal/with the prompts.
7
Block, delete and move on. We all live in a digital world nowadays, there is no denying this. But not many have learned how to properly deal with this because it is all so new to be online all the time.
So please, feel free to unfollow her from social media, delete the conversations and block her on your messaging app.
8
Be mindfully influenced by algorithms. Do a spring-cleaning of the people you follow, the content that gets pushed to you on all digital platforms and subscribe to people who give you tools, tips and expertise’s that will make you in a more powerful version of yourself.
With this new list, you must endeavor to remain optimistic and lighthearted, to avoid becoming resentful, and to see your needed life lesson in this extremely difficult era of life.
When you continue to pursue personal growth, you choose a life that actually makes you content, and you progress, you will notice that life becomes less dreary and better over time.
“When One Door Closes, Another Opens” is a well-known aphorism.
The door will open a new love for you if keep heading forwards and you truly processed your breakup well!
A huge thank you to the blog article of AJbrowncreative, the Pinterest infographic of Attachment project and this blog article from yourtango for supplying me with words spoken from their own broken hearts and experiences.
I hope you enjoyed this guide to thrive after a break-up. Most probably, this and other guides will be updated in the future.
Don’t forget to give me a follow-on Telegram and Instagram to stay in touch with me.
